Anticipation Blues

It always seems to me that just knowing that winter break, or any break for that matter, always makes that days go a lot slower. I feel as if I am in school for days when in reality it's only a few short hours. Also I do agree that the stress builds up, I feel as if I have to get all of my late work in and get everything organized so that everything will be good by the time I get back. So i scramble around and get myself all worked up, but I guess it's not too bad because I will soon have a nice relaxing break to calm down and relax myself and my nerves. I do agree, I think that too much stress makes me sick too, I always seem to get sick around the holidays and when I have a lot going on. It's probably the stress and anxiety build up that gets me. I love and hate time off of school. I love it because its a good chance to relax and get away from everything, but I hate it bacause I feel like I forget everything, and I feel so weird and out of place when I come back.

In the clouds....

This year has been....eventful, to say the least. There have been so many ups and so many downs. It seems that my head just hasn't been in the right place this entire year. I have been doing so many things that I shouldn't. well not so much lately, I should have said I did so many things that I shouldn't have been doing. Making bad decisions on many things, such as friends, the ones I keep close and the ones I push away or let fall away. I seem to always be blogging about friends, but they are a big part of my life, especially over this past year. There are a few people that I don't talk to anymore, and am not friends with anymore, that for some reason or another either I decided not to be or they did, but some I regret and miss, thinking back, they were excellent friends. I also didn't spend my free time very wisely. This year especially, it seemed that I would go out and party every weekend, and be hanging out with friends until 11 or so on week nights instead of spending my time doing homework, studying, looking for a job and trying to graduate and figuring out what I'm doing after I do. Like I said, my head hasn't been in the right place at all this year....

Tuesday morning...ugh!

So today has been pretty crazy already. It is absolutely freezing outside, it's -6 and the wind chill is -20. AHH. Way too cold for my liking. I think I'm going to have to say that even 20 above is a little too cold for me. I am such a sissy when it comes to the cold. I love to be warm. I had to tough it out waiting for my bus this morning, which was quite a bit late, I wasn't too pleased. All I have for gloves is a very thin cheap pair that really does nothing for me, I lost my hat over the weekend, I was pretty upset, but I'm over it now. It's only December and winter has just begun. I'm not ready fo this at all. Also this morning I lost the ball on one of my lip rings and it kept falling out, I had to make shift and use regular earrings, for ears, with the back and all, it is very uncomfortable. The backs and the end of the stud keep poking into my gums,not so pleasant.
Just thought I would write this and get my mind flowing, because I'm stuck on thinking about things for my "2008 alphabet"

ABC's of 2008

A: Art. This year I have been into my art,more then ever. A majority of the year, that's all I did, I lived, breathed, and sold it. :) I have explored a few different types of art, not just my main art form. I think that being at CAHS, has opened me up more artistically.

B: Babysitting, I have spent a majority of the year babysitting. I must have the word "babysitter" or "pushover" written on my forehead because it seems that my brother is constantly asking me to babysit. I always say yes, because well, he's my brother. Also for a period of time, I was babysitting Tasia's son, Ayden, almost everyday for a few months. I love these kids, but I also love my teen years, and my freedom to do what I want. But it was worth it to spend time with them.

C: Cigarettes. I am quitting now, but this whole year, I have smoked more then ever. The first few years I smoked I could make a pack last me almost a week, sometimes more. This year, more recently, I have been smoking basically a pack a day. I know it's horrible for me, but it's pretty much my release, it calms my nerves. It's a serious addiction. I never really thought of myself as addicted, until now, now that I'm quitting it's so hard for me. I think I can do it though, I know I can. Quitting smoking I think is going to be my new years resolution. I just don't know how to do it. If I should quit cold turkey or just try to cut down until eventually I'm not smoking at all.

D: Drama. This school year has been full of drama, it seems to me like none of my other years in high school have been this bad when it comes to drama. It seems like everyone loves to talk about me. Sadly enough though, I think I'm getting used to it. Rumors about me are flying everywhere about me. People will say the most absurd thinks about me, that aren't even close to true. At first I would get upset about it, but now it's pretty much an everyday thing, it's normal. I just have to remind myself that I know what is true and what isn't, they don't. It will all be over soon.

E: Edward. That's my dad's name. Me and him have never been close, as hard as it is to say, he has never been there for me. This summer I thought I would give living with him a try, since I had been kicked out of my mom's house, and I wanted to have at least one parent of mine there for me. But after about a month, me and him really got into it, he was always drunk, and he is a violent drunk. I couldn't take it. One day me and him got into a really bad fight, he ended up hurting me. So I left. I haven't talked to him since June. Knowing I don't have him in my life is hard, it has effected me a lot. That was a major part of my year. :(

F: Friends. This year I have made and lost a lot of friends, but from what I hear that's normal during teenage years. As much as that may be true, it still sucks. I have a few friends that I'm still close with, and have known since I was younger, friends that I grew up with. I also have a few new friends, that I am becoming a lot closer with. I am so thankful for my friends, the ones that have been there for me when I was down, they have helped me through so much.

G: Graduation. I am supposed to be graduating from school after this quarter, but I will still have one more credit to earn, so I will have to come back next quarter for 2 hours a day, which isn't bad at all. Plus I will be taking an online class at school, which wont be too bad. I still don't see why i can't take it from home, personally, I think I work better when I am at home, and in a comfortable setting.

H: Happiness. 2008 has been a pretty happy year, I have been pretty happy with it. I will admit that there have been some ups and some downs, I am pleased to say that I have remained fairly happy through out the entire year.

I: Immaturity, Ignorance and Avoidance (which can be ignorant on occasion). I have encountered quite a bit of this in 2008, people don't think about things through, they avoid thinking logically, they think about only themselves. A few people avoid doing what is right and do the ignorant thing. I will admit that I do it too from time to time, but I always think things through all the way ans try to gauge how they will affect my future, but that's not saying I always listen to that and do the right thing. But I was talking more about other people that I know, not so much myself.

J: Jordy! Jordy one of the true friends I have, although he is a friend thief (just kidding) I love him to death. He has always helped me out when I needed it, he has been one friend that has stuck with me since the day that we met. I am hoping that we are soon to be college buddies, and I refuse to lose contact with him after school is done. Thanks Jordy. :)

K: Karma. i am a strong believer in karma. "What goes around comes around." This year I think that I have encountered my dose of karma, and a few people around me have too.

L: Love. Where do I begin love has been a enormously huge (I know that is redundant but I was just trying to make a point) part of my 2008. Love as in family/friend love, love as in relationship love. I think that I am a very loving person, but it takes a lot for me to "love" someone. I am not trusting what so ever. it takes A LOT for me to trust someone. I am a closed book, well I try to be, doesn't always work. But love, in my opinion , is a great yet painful and horrible thing. I t really depends on the situation and the person and their feelings as well.

M: Moving. We moved twice in 2008, to an apartment in Sun Ray, then to an apartment in Highland. I am happy at the apartment that I live in now, I am happy we made the move, but moving is horribly tiring, and terribly exhausting, having to pack ALL of your belongings, having to move it, haul it all around, and then unpacking and settling into the new place.

N: No good. If you couldn't tell my my other blogs and other things in this alphabet, there have been quite a few not so good events that have happened this year for me. I'm not really going to go into more detail because that would be just plain old redundant. :)

O: Operation. I had my tonsils taken out in April this year, it wasn't anything major, but I couldn't think of anything else for O. Most people that get their tonsils out get them out when they are younger, and they are smaller so its less painful, but no, I had my taken out at 16. It hurt so incredibly bad, I couldn't talk or eat solid food for a week at least. It was horrible.

P: Pool. Every Wednesday, we play pool over at Al's billiards on Larpentuer, me and about 20 or so friends meet up there every week. It's kind of a new thing, but it's pretty cool. Its a nice thing to do with friends, and a chance and place to get to see them and just hang out. Its a way for us to all keep in touch, and have a good time. It's also a good time for me to improve my pool skills, because I completely FAIL at playing pool.

Q: Questions. I am full of questions, I question everything, I need facts, I need to know what's what. I wasn't like this until this year I would say, before I didn't care, I was to shy to ask questions, I wasn't forward with people at all, but I have definitely learned my lesson with that. I ask plenty of questions now, I make sure I know whats right and I make sure I know what I'm doing. No time for mistakes.

R: Rest. Or should I say lack of rest. This year has been so busy I haven't found much time to sleep. I feel like I have been up for a constant 365 days. A nap is well over due for me.

S: School. I started at CAHS at the beginning of 2008 and I love it. I think that it has let me sort of come out of my shell. I have made a lot of new friends here and had a lot of cool and eventful new things happen since I have started going here. I have expanded my art, learned a lot. CAHS has also helped me get on track for an early graduation, I didn't think that I was even going to graduate on time, let alone early! :)

T: Timing. Timing was everything this year. Weather it be my bad timing, or lack of time to do hings. This year felt rather rushed and it also went by really fast, which was a good thing.

U: Unique. This year I have tried to find myself, finding that I'm unique. Not like anyone else. I am my own person. I have tried to venture away from the "norm." and be myself. I know I am nothing like anyone else. I don' want to be another stereotype, I don't want to blend in with the rest.

V: Vacation. Oh how I need one! :)

W: Winter. Although winter has just begun, I am already sick of it, unfortunately we still have about 3 or so months left of this madness. I love and hate winter. I love the gorgeous white snow, but I hate the freezing bitter cold. Winter so far this year has come with a serious BANG! I wasn't prepared at all for it. I'm still not prepared for it, and I am ready for it to be over already!

X: I cant think of any words that begin with the letter X, except for xylophone and that relates to absolutely nothing that happened in 2008 for me.

Y: Yes. This year I think that I have been saying yes to too many people. I think that I was/am too nice, it's in my nature, what can I say. I don't like to be rude, but sometimes people take advantage of that. That's no good. I am nice because I want to be, if someone needs help or needs some money, or something, anything, I'm there for them. But when they take advantage and constantly ask, or never return the favor or pay me back, that's really pushing it. I don't like to be walked all over and used.

Z: Zebras. This year I have acquired a very strong liking for zebras. Zebra patterns. Zebras in general as an animal. I love the black and white, the unique stripes. I don't know what else to say about them.

brain fart

so i have basically nothing to write about, i'm stuck, having a major brain fart. so im going to talk about yesterday! yesterday, once again i couldn't have slept for more then or so hours again, and when i got to school i was dead tired. i woke myself by trying to blog, that woke me up for a few minutes, then i had portraits with randy, we watched a movie, me being as tired as i was, fell asleep. sorry randy! after that was journalism, i can always concentrate in that class, well more so in that class then in some of my others, so that went okay, except it by so slowly because lunch was right after, but i managed. lunch was great, i got outside and smoked my cigarette, the cold air woke me up and i was ready for the rest of my day. science fiction was good, we had a really good and pretty deep discussion. but fifth hour i got a horrible headache, i ran around everywhere looking for some sort of pain reliever, couldnt find any, but i eventually got some from an anonymous source during sixth hour (thank goodness.) i finished the day off, i had plans after school, but i couldnt go another night without sleep, so i went home, and fell asleep at 6 pm and woke up at 6:30 am. i slept for twelve and a half hours and i think im more rested, but i still feel tired.
*forgot to capitalize while writing this. OOPS!*

summer '08

I cant think of a single story to tell, or write about, so I think I'm going to just write about a different one everyday. This summer was very..interesting. At the start of the summer I got kicked out of my mom's house, so I went to live with my dad. I hadn't talked to my dad in over a year prior to me going to live with him, we have never really got along with each other. So from the start I figured it would be interesting. He got remarried and lived with his wife's two children. Me and her daughter had become good friends, we had a lot in common, including our name. I thought that was pretty hilarious. Anyways, things went good at the start of the summer, I lived with him for about a month and a half until things there got too out of hand. So around the end of July, I left. I had to play Captain Kiss-Ass with my mom, and basically beg to live with her again. It took her about another month to decide if I could of not, so I was basically homeless for that period of time. I went to stay with some friends, I switched off staying at two friends houses. It was the summer, people's parents had to work during the day, so that leaves us without any supervision. I basically lived at a party house. I had nothing better to do with my time, and had no real home, so I got into a few things that I probably shouldn't have. I had changed, I wasn't the person that I was before. I knew that everyone saw it. I mildly blame it on me being really depressed, not being able to live with either of my parents, not being wanted at one, and not being able to stand it at the other's. But I also think that my change was partially due to not knowing what to do with myself anymore. My world had turned upside down in a matter of a month or two. Everything was different. I had to deal with my personal drama and issues, while still juggling my friends, a boyfriend, and a job. I didn't know what else to do. I am so thankful that I had my friends there to help me through a lot though, I would have been on the streets if it weren't for them. But as the summer came to a close, I think my mom realized what was right, and she let me come back home. I was so thrilled and relieved. Things aren't as normal as they were before the summer, but I like to think that they are getting there. I still don't talk to my dad, haven't since I left there, but that's a whole different story.....

school

Alright, so I was thinking last night, while up at three in the morning, maybe it wont be so bad to have to come back to school again next quarter. It wont be a full day, only like two hours, and Patrick said that I can pick the hours I want to come, so I don't HAVE to come right away at nine in the morning, which actually isn't bad at all. I will still get to see my friends here every day, it will give me a chance to actually wrap things up here with the school and with the community. Also it wont be me finishing in January, basically disappearing and doing my own thing, then coming back six months later in June for graduation. I guess that there is logic behind all of this madness. We will see what happens I guess. Either outcome wont be that bad.

scatter-brained

I'm just going to start this off by apologizing to Becky, I am running on 3 hours of sleep and am extremely tires, and yet I am in an amazingly good mood. I cant keep my mind on one topic though, so I thought I would take this morning to write about everything in general, and do my assigned blog later tonight or tomorrow.
Last night I hung out with some of my best friends, we went bowling, to a movie and then hung out at my house for a while. It was quite an eventful night. I guess you could call it a double date, well triple date. After everyone left at about ten, my brother calls me and asks if I could babysit my almost two year old niece. Oh man, I love her to death, but she isn't the best sleeper, she is fortunate to have all day to sleep and do nothing but eat, while I only have a few short hours at night to do so, she chose to spend these hours wide awake. So, I didn't want to fall asleep while she was awake, so I stayed up and kind of hung out with her. I love babies, but its not such a joy to have them keep you up at night when you have school the next day. she is going to be at my house today when I get home too, my mom is watching her during the day today. I don't know how people do it. Having a baby would be extremely hard, I give mad props to all of the mothers out there, especially the single mothers. Having to work to maintain a home, having to stay up and take care of the baby, cooking, cleaning, all of it. Teen mothers too, oh man, that would be such a job, your life would become completely dedicated to this small child. Also to the fathers, my brother is a single father, he works so hard and he is a great dad. But I do love my niece, she is so adorable.
Today is a half day of school, I am so excited to go home and just sleep. Well, and make up some school work, I have missed a lot of school lately, I ave been super sick. It feels like I've been sick for almost a month now. It's getting pretty ridiculous, missing school, not being able to do things with friends, getting behind in school, making up school work. It's just crazy. Missing just one day o school throws everything off, it seems like it gets me behind in everything.
School has been going a lot better lately, I haven't been having problems with many people anymore, drama has calmed down. I have stopped worrying about other people, and started concentrating on school a lot more then I have in the past, and I think its working out well of me. I'm pretty sure I have my grades up, but my attendance isn't doing so well, I will have to make some days up.
Recently I have been hanging out with a new group of friends, which I think is good, they dont go to school with me, well except for one, so that causes for absolutely no drama here, none to interfere with my school work at least. If feels like a new start. The only thing is that everyone that I have started being super close friends with, their families have quite a bit more money then mine does. That doesnt really bother me I guess, well to an extent it does. They all live out in the suburbs, well shoreview and rosevile, one has a lake house, they all have huge houses on huge properties with pools, saunas, amazing views, etc. while I live in an apartment building, a small two bedroom apartment that's about the size of their bedroom or bathroom. It's nice to be able to go over to both their houses and mine when we hang out, and have them not judge me because of where I live or because of how much money my family makes.

story time

So I wasn't here yesterday to get the full explanation of what our assignment is for the week. I got the story thing, but I'm not 100% sure. So I'll give it a go..... kind of taking Becky's idea about high school.
This year is my senior year of high school, looking back I think that I have spent all four years trying to fit in and just find a good group of friends, and find myself I guess you could say. Mind you that this isn't an easy task when you have been to three different schools, not knowing anyone. I would find that I would just start to fit in at a school, and start making some friends, when I would have to switch for some reason or another and then have to repeat that cycle yet again. Some of the friends I had made I kept as a friend, but others I just lost contact with, it was hard. I always try to be an outgoing person, and I try to go up to people, and I try to make friends, but that doesn't always work. Usually when I would start at a school, I would have made at least one friend relatively quickly and then the rest would sort of just fall into place. I definitely wasn't a very attractive person at the start of my high school career, freshman year I had braces, and had just ditched the glasses that I had all of middle school, and I had always had super long hair, all the way down my back, and I didn't always know what to do with all that hair, I was a mess. Sophomore year, no more braces, but I still had the terribly long hair, same with junior year. Half way through my junior year, I felt that I needed a change, so i put my hair up, and cut it all off, it was a little past my shoulders, first I was happy about it, but then I wasnt so sure. I think I'm used to it now.
Back to the friends situation, I didn't always know what to do to fit in, so at the start of high school, I started getting invited to parties, and to go places with people, it made me feel like I actually had friends. Looking back I kind of regret it, I wish I would have said no, but I wanted to fit in, and my parents never pushed me to stay home, they never really cared where I was, as long as I got to school the next day. I basically had no restrictions, I was free to do what I want, and at 14, 15, 16 years old, this is no good. Granted I met a lot of new people, made some new friends, and gained cool points with the friends I had, my grades started to slip, I was failing classes, ditching school, eventually not going at all. This was bad for everyone, I had to spend basically my entire summer and nights of my sophomore and junior years of high school going to school, after the normal seven hour day of school was done. School became my life, I'm not too upset about it, it kind of kept me out of trouble, and now I can actually finish school a little early, but still, if I had actually gone to school then and done the work and passed classes back then I would have had more time to make even more friends, and do what I wanted to.

Graduation

At the beginning of this quarter that when this term was finished I would have all of my credits done and would be done with school. I went in to talk to him earlier this week to ask about some post secondary options, and had some college question, but that's beside the point. Basically he isn't going to let me graduate at the end of this quarter because he thinks that I should stay "connected to the CAHS community." So even though I will be done with all of my credits, I still have to come to school, I mean I'll probably still have less then one credit to get for economics, but I'm taking that online, I think I should be able to finish the few weeks I would have left of that at home, instead of having to come to school for 3 extra months, for a few hours a day. I wont have to come for full days, only 2 hours, but this still kind of upset me. But I'm not in charge of the school district, and I definitely don't know the policies, but it still upsets me a little bit. I guess I'm starting to see where he's coming from a little bit. I mean being "connected to the CAHS community" definitely isn't a bad thing, no where close to it. I'll get over it, it's just the heat of the moment.

My blogs, another Critique

I think that my writings good, or at least average, otherwise I wouldn't write the way I do. On the other hand though, I know it's far from perfect. When I'm writing my blogs, I don't really think of who will be reading it. I write for my personal pleasure, and I write on the assigned topics, but in those assignments we always get the flexibility of making it our own. I like that because that way I still can write about what I want to, topics that interest me. I know I have quire a few punctuation mistakes, for some reason I always forget to capitalize words, I blame texting, for example: and it's also the one thing that i can rely on to keep my mood up. No capitalism on the I, I know I've done that a few other times as well. Sometimes I dont use commas and I'll just put one idea into two sentence by mistake like: Everybody has at least a tiny bit of a soft spot for celebrity gossip. Perez Hilton is the Internet users fix for that. There should have been a comma in between those two sentences instead of a period. I would like to think that my writing style and my writings have a voice and personality, I think that my topics are creative, they are personal to me usually so I'm not sure if others would understand why I have chose them or not. I would call myself a committed and dedicated blogger, I am up to date as far as the class work goes, and I have blogged outside of school, and on personal topics about my life and about me on my own. I think that my postings are easy to read and to follow, I think that when I write I stay on topic, and focused, plus I think that they have more of a personal feel to them as well, its always easier and more fun to read when you can hear a voice, it gives off a more comfortable feel for the reader I think. Personal critiques are really hard to do!

Sex Ed.

I think that sex education it a good thing to teach children in school, I dont know what age they should start teaching it at, thats a tough area of the topic. But to teach one view and one angle of it it just plain old wrong. If your going to teach children about it, teach them everything. They are going to learn about sex no matter who tells them about it, weather it be an older sibling, a friend, or a teacher, etc. I think that them learning it in school is the most logical way for them to find out about it. Their friends surely aren't going to teach them how to be safe. So no matter how hard you try to shove the idea of abstinence being the only "good" way, they might try it, not saying it's a 100% sure thing but if they do try it, try to make sure they know how to be safe.

Blog...analysis i guess you could say...

The blog that I read today, has to be one of my favorites. I love the way this person rites, it's very in depth and super easy to relate to. They are a very proper typist and that's always good, nobody wants to be reading a blog, let alone anything, that is full of misspelled words and a load of acronyms. This person's posts are very insightful, they create a good look at who the person is, a step into their world. Some posts that I have read kind of make me step back and just think "what?" because I can't understand their point, nobody in this class of course, but I can follow these very closely. They post very frequently which is a plus, it makes you excited to read the next one, and you don't have to wait a whole week to read the latest updates or findings they encounter. Overall I really enjoy this blog, it's solid, it has meaning, and it's very easy to read, it makes you want to keep reading and see what else they have posted. 5 STARS! *****

magnetic poetry

POEM #1
an absurd rigid mess
so surreal & angry
pain only silhouettes it
i scream
imagination & dream
used to escape this


POEM #2
imagine the masterpiece we composed
an empty canvas wasted
only to throw it all away

grammar

The people that i talk to the most would be my friends/peers and my mother. Thinking back to conversations I have had with both, they vary quite a bit. My mom speaks very proper, with structures sentences, no (or very little) "slang", and she enunciates quite a bit. My friends and peers on the other hand talk using a lot of "slang" and they talk quite a bit faster. I would say my mother is the one who primarily taught me to speak, so her speaking and conversations hardly vary from the way I was taught, for some reason people my age have stepped away from talking and even writing that way, the way we were taught that is, and now use a lot of slang and even acronyms in our day to day lives.
Me being one of those that use a lot of new words and a lot of those acronyms, I can see how it can shape MY world differently then the way my mom and her generation talk and how that shaped THEIR world. They see the world through one set of eyes and we see it through a totally different set. If you think about it, grammar is everything, we couldn't communicate anything, or get anywhere if we didn't have good grammar, we wouldn't get anywhere.
All this grammar and vocabulary talk gets me in the learning mood! :)

words.

I don't really have a favorite word, I like the words that we use pretty often like: and, like, I, you, the, was, etc. The common words I think are the best, they are so small and so useful, they are used as space fillers, and no sentence would be complete without at least one of them in it. 

I was on freerice.com and I found a few words that I liked, most I already knew but that doesn't mean I can't like them ( I also learned a few new words too.) The freerice words that I liked were:

hangdog- shamefaced (shamefaced is a pretty cool word too)

swimmingly- smoothly

frolic- romp (another cool word)

There are so many really cool words out there, I can't pick just a few. Words themselves are cool. The act of putting various letters together and making words that make sense to us, and then using those words to create stories that we can read and that entertain us.